College Buddy

My long time friend since college Josh Beckerman will be in town on Friday to visit me. He lives in New York so we only get to see each other once a year. So far he's managed to visit us once for each time that we've moved to a different apartment. This probably equals to just about once every year for the last six years at least.

Josh and I met on the set of "J.C. and the Mangy Goat Herders," a skit comedy show that was put on by a group of broadcasting students. I got involved my freshman year and stuck with the production until my Junior year when things got too busy for me to attend the tapings. Josh had been on the show already. We worked together in a few skits, and eventually ended up collaborating a couple of times. We also hung out after the tapings. I think that we have a common sense of humor. Years after I graduated from college Josh and I taped a couple of skits on our own but I don't know if they lived up to the standard set by "J.C. and the Goat Herders" or its predecessor "Aardvark."

Josh chose to parody the CBS show "Survivor" back when it was still red hot. Later on, we did a skit where a son rides with his father to his first day of college only to get into an uncomfortable argument. We recorded this skit while I was driving (carefully I should add) and on the campus of CMU. I was able to throw in a couple of nuggets of wisdom that my dad told me over the years. I enjoyed acting in the skit.

Now that Kayla and Josh are older (Kayla was only a baby the first time Josh visited, and my son Josh was merely a conversation about the future) perhaps they can star in skits of their own while Josh and I direct. Its certainly worth a try and beats my having to pretend that I can act.

Chapter One: I want to be like Jack

I have so much to say about my man purses that if I were a better singer and a song writer I would write a ballad instead of a book, then find your house, knock on your door, and sing a live rendition of it. But, fortunately, I'm not a song writer, I'm a pretty lousy singer, and I probably couldn't find your house—not even if my life depended on it. So, go ahead and relax (that means you can climb out from under the table and remove your fingers from your ears now).
Still, there's a lot I could say about man purses.

For starters, I prefer not to call them man purses. I'll admit that I do call them that from time to time. I might say “man purse” if I'm in a hurry, speaking to my kids, or talking to my wife. I've learned by now that they will always be man purses to her no matter what I insist on calling them. My main problem with the phrase “man purse” is that it more or less implies that the bag I often have looped over my shoulders is some kind of purse. It just simply is not a purse. Purses are usually pink and have multiple compartments with zippers. My bags often have different compartments with zippers, but they are always bigger over all. Another way to distinguish between purses and the bags I carry is that purses often have “strings” whereas my bags do not. Or, at least that's what the old adage claims.

My problem is that I don't have another name for them. I blame this on TV and film which have often depicted characters who carry bags like mine but didn't acknowledge them. For example, Indiana Jones from the “Indiana Jones” movies always carried a bag in which he would place stone tablets and other artifacts which he felt deserved to be displayed in a museum. Doctor Jones survived three whole adventures without once being called a sissy because he carried a bag. Not to mention a whip.

Although none come to mind, I'm pretty sure that several Westerns have shown characters who carried bags. You need one when you're transporting stolen money, bull testicles, or extra bullets across the desert.

But, my “Tale of the Man Purse” begins with a more recently introduced character named Jack Bauer. On “24” Jack Bauer is an agent with the Counter Terrorism Unit in LA who deals with bombings, presidential assassinations, and airplane crashes on a daily basis. As in, these are all things that can occur within one of Jack's typical work days. I already know what you're thinking. You're thinking that a man with this kind of stress is going to need to carry a gun, a badge, couple knives, and most definitely a cell phone. Your next questions is (I'm guessing) “Where does an active guy stow all of that gear?”

The answer, my friend, is in a bag of some sort. Jack's bag of choice is bigger and more militaristic than the kind of bag that the Average Joe might carry on a daily basis. In fact, a messenger in the fourth season of “24” was shown carrying a bag which appeared to be far less durable than the one that Jack carries when he's out on the field. In case you don't believe me, the proof can be seen during this character's last scene when a bullet passes straight through his bag and directly into his chest, resulting in instant death. Jack's bag, however, is so powerful that I'm willing to surmise that it would stop a bullet if given the chance.

Jack is always storing things or removing items from his bag throughout the show. When he needs to see something that's far away, he'll pull out a small telescope. If he needs a gun, he'll reach in and find a gun. Whenever he needs C4, he'll reach in and grab the C4.

Often Jack will shoot or maim a bad guy and then steal their gun. Where does one put a spare gun? In the bag of course!

Okay, I'll admit that there was a time when I wanted to have a bag that looked just like Jack Bauer's. I even thought about stopping at a Military Surplus store on M-20 sometime during one of my drives home from work. Its good that I didn't because of the one day when the new canvas bags arrived at Target.

Chapter Two: The Target Bags

For a long while, I would pass through the back of Target just to stop and stare at the $19 canvas bags which looked very similar to Jack's bag. The only problem was that they were a great deal smaller, and included this panel of different outside pockets which were basically useless for storing guns, C4, or walkie-talkies, not to mention a palm pilot, pens, or a pad of paper.

All the same, I visited the “Wall of Bags” during trips to the Targets in Hartland, Mount Pleasant, Okemos, and Midland, but never purchased a single one. I admit that there were days when I was very tempted, and other times when I was both tempted and carried the money. Yet, I still resisted the allure of the bags.

It helped that I was already carrying a bag which had been given to me by my friend, Louie. It was really Louie who got me started with the “Man Bag” thing. He gave me his old brown bag after he replaced it with a new one. I didn't discover the Jack Bauer styled canvas bags until after I had gotten my second one.

The second bag was both bigger than my first one and more colorful. My original bag was mostly brown while the new one was beige-and-green. I enjoyed its size, but missed the multiple compartments offered by the brown one. The brown bag also used magnets to help hold the flap in place, whereas the flap on the new one was often flapping around. So, the canvas bags looked better but still didn't have the capacity of my previous bags.

However, my tale of the Man Purse begins before “24,” and even before I ever thought about carrying a bag. Well, on second thought, it wasn't before “24” was on the air, but did start before I began watching it on a regular basis.

Chapter Three: New Kids on the Block

We moved in on a day like this, in a month like this, almost exactly four years and three weeks ago from today. It was a huge pain. What I mean is that I pulled my back muscle in the morning and spent the rest of the day hunched over as I tried to keep five kids out of trouble.
I'm not saying that a man purse would have helped out, because it wouldn't have been very handy at all. But it was just a few weeks after we moved in that I met our new neighbors the Hollidays.

At first, I thought that the neighbors who turned out to be the Hollidays were always throwing birthday parties or something because there always seemed to be a lot of kids playing in their yard. Then one day after I grew tired of staring at our boring lineup of Basic Cable channels, I grabbed the kids and and lead them over towards the Holliday's yard where I was hearing a lot of screaming and carrying on.

Our appearance prompted a lot of interest from the kids and then their parents. Introductions were made. The Holliday adults were teachers. I worked for Dow Chemical but, no, I wasn't a chemist.

Chapter Four: Tales of the Belly Bag

I'm planning on writing a prequel to this book titled Tales of the Belly Bag, but I'm still going to use it as a name for this chapter.

My use of the belly bag easily predates our relationship with the Hollidays. In fact, there were several circumstances when I wore a black belly bag: band trips, trips to the beach, and any time I needed to carry extra tapes for my camcorder.

I didn't consider wearing the bag on a more regular, daily basis until after I met Louie. Louie's belly bag was his response to the question that all guys who own really cool electronic gear must one day ask: How can I safely and comfortably carry my palm pilot, cell phone and wallet?
Although I didn't have this problem, yet, I recognized Louie's problem. It is a problem that all men of the New Millennium face. In “Star Trek,” the problem was solved in the 23rd Century by stitching Velcro strips onto the Starfleet officers' pants. Captain Kirk would sometimes strap on a sandy colored weight belt in anticipation of the need to use a phaser pistol or communicator. Obviously we can't resort to this kind of thing today. It would look too silly, plus Velcro isn't that secured anyhow.

So, we return to the Belly Bag. The Belly Bag was invented in the 20th Century by famous exercise guru Richard Simmons after his viewers complained about injuries sustained while doing knee bends and holding their keys at the same time. Later, tourists began to store their wallets and other values in the belly bags whenever they were touring Europe and Disney World. For example, both my wife and I wore belly bags while we were visiting Florida for our honeymoon.

But my love affair with the belly bag didn't begin until I received one from Louie. This became my belly bag of choice.

What does one carry in a belly bag? That's a good question which shall answer as soon as you stop snickering. Finished yet? No? Okay, then, I'll just try to talk over you.
Back when I was the new owner of the green belly bag I didn't have a lot to put in it because I hadn't purchased my palm pilot yet. I did, however, carry a cell phone so this often went into the very front pocket. In lieu of a palm pilot I began carrying a pen and small notepad. I called these my “low tech” substitute for a palm pilot.

The whole point of wearing a belly bag, however, was to prepare myself for the day when I would own a palm pilot and need somewhere to store it. Logically, it would go in the belly bag.

Chapter Five: The Palm VII

My first Palm Pilot was a hand-me-down from the Executive Director of Michigan State Medical Society himself. It was a Palm VII and had a neat little antenna which swung up whenever I wanted to be a show off by telling people that I could surf the Internet wirelessly if I were ever allowed to pay for the service. It also went through batteries at the same rate that my family goes through rolls of toilet paper.

It didn't take long for the Palm VII and I to bond together. I'd take it on shopping trips so it could show me the things I needed to buy, and sometimes I would play “bomb the submarine” on it.

But, sometime in 2000 I was told that my job was being outsourced and then asked to please give back the Palm VII that I had gotten to know so well. And so, I bid farewell to my flat-screened little friend with the little antenna that served no purpose.

So, it was my deepest hope that I would one day own a palm pilot that wouldn't need to be handed back the moment I left a company.

Chapter Six: Happy Anniversary, Palmie

It was nearly a year ago that a lot of things happened at once. Namely that I received a three year bonus, celebrated my thirty-second birthday, purchased Louie's Zire 72, and was transferred to a different job with Dow Chemical.

Since then I've spent the bonus, lost the job, and suffered through yet another year. The Zire 72 remains the best thing that happened to me last Fall.

Louie had been tantalizing me with his Zire 72 for months, but I didn't take his offers to sell seriously until I received my bonus from work. I asked if he would go down in price, but he remained steady. I made an arrangements to give him my bonus, my birthday cash from my in-laws, plus a Kmart gift card from my own parents which would equal $25. He reluctantly agreed.
After a long wait for the birthday money from my parents (in the form of a Meijer refund slip) I finally agreed to purchase the Zire 72 and paid Louie the money in full the next morning.

I have since made several purchases for my Palm Pilot including a camera case, a black skin which used to clip onto my belt, different pieces of palm software, and a miniature ipod backpack which also works great for a palm pilot.

But, before all that could happen, I immediately began to carry my new (but slightly used) palm pilot inside the green belly bag.

Chapter Seven: Queer Eye for the . . . huh?

So, now I had a Palm Pilot which was waaay cooler than the one I gave back to MSMS in 2000, a cell phone, and a belly bag to hold them all in. I was feeling pretty good about my new choice in lifestyle until a co-worker compared me to someone they had seen on a show I've never watched called “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

In other words, he was calling me gay.

I have to admit that this left me rather rattled and I almost stopped wearing a belly bag altogether. But, later I was motivated to wear one after I bought Louie's old blue belly bag for $7. It was roomier and had more pockets.

Chapter Eight: Enter the Man Purse

I had just gotten into the groove of carrying all of my worldly possessions in a belly bag when Louie suddenly switched tracks and began carrying a man purse. By now it only made sense since he had a lot more gear to carry around in addition to his cell phone and Palm TX. This included a folding keyboard for the palm, MP3 player, headphones, and snacks.
It wasn't long after Louie had started carrying a man purse that he gave me his old brown one. I hung up the belly bag at least temporarily as I started to get used to carrying a bag.

Chapter Nine: Why a bag?

I've found that it is way easier to carry things in a messenger or office-styled bag than, say, in my pants pockets or by hand. I mean, its true that my palm pilot usually fits inside my front jean pockets, but who wants to walk around with a big square bulge in front? And, this doesn't begin to solve the problem of where one should put their cell phone.

There have many times during the last couple of years when it has just been handier to be equipped with a bag. Like Jack Bauer, I often find it necessary to pick something up and place it in my bag. Such as when I am at a public gathering, school festival, or fair where free pens and car-shaped erasers are being handed out. I used to be just like the schmucks I always see in line trying to carry the free stuff away in their pockets or little plastic bags. Last year I had a bag with me to carry the three pounds of candy my kids collected during Halloween. Did I complain when the candy weighed down my bag? No, of course not! As far as I was concerned, my sole responsibility that night was to carry, and perhaps sample, as much candy as my bag would hold.

Chapter Ten: The Bag Legacy

As it happened, my first bag wore out pretty fast. I really enjoyed it at work where I used it to carry my radio, gaffer tape, an assortment of tools, and of course my palm pilot. Eventually, the strap broke and I was left without a usable bag.

Then Louie bought the beige-and-green bag from Target on clearance for me. I reimbursed him (I think) and began using it for both personal and business use. It was around this time that I found the canvas bags on the “Wall of Bags” at Target, but decided to stay with the bag I had.
My brown bag came back into service after my mom stitched up the strap, but it had to be abandoned in April after the zipper ripped out. Fortunately I had just bought a new bag at a garage sale. It wasn't until later that summer, however, that I would end up buying my current black bag for a dollar from a garage sale in Alma.