Chapter One: I want to be like Jack

I have so much to say about my man purses that if I were a better singer and a song writer I would write a ballad instead of a book, then find your house, knock on your door, and sing a live rendition of it. But, fortunately, I'm not a song writer, I'm a pretty lousy singer, and I probably couldn't find your house—not even if my life depended on it. So, go ahead and relax (that means you can climb out from under the table and remove your fingers from your ears now).
Still, there's a lot I could say about man purses.

For starters, I prefer not to call them man purses. I'll admit that I do call them that from time to time. I might say “man purse” if I'm in a hurry, speaking to my kids, or talking to my wife. I've learned by now that they will always be man purses to her no matter what I insist on calling them. My main problem with the phrase “man purse” is that it more or less implies that the bag I often have looped over my shoulders is some kind of purse. It just simply is not a purse. Purses are usually pink and have multiple compartments with zippers. My bags often have different compartments with zippers, but they are always bigger over all. Another way to distinguish between purses and the bags I carry is that purses often have “strings” whereas my bags do not. Or, at least that's what the old adage claims.

My problem is that I don't have another name for them. I blame this on TV and film which have often depicted characters who carry bags like mine but didn't acknowledge them. For example, Indiana Jones from the “Indiana Jones” movies always carried a bag in which he would place stone tablets and other artifacts which he felt deserved to be displayed in a museum. Doctor Jones survived three whole adventures without once being called a sissy because he carried a bag. Not to mention a whip.

Although none come to mind, I'm pretty sure that several Westerns have shown characters who carried bags. You need one when you're transporting stolen money, bull testicles, or extra bullets across the desert.

But, my “Tale of the Man Purse” begins with a more recently introduced character named Jack Bauer. On “24” Jack Bauer is an agent with the Counter Terrorism Unit in LA who deals with bombings, presidential assassinations, and airplane crashes on a daily basis. As in, these are all things that can occur within one of Jack's typical work days. I already know what you're thinking. You're thinking that a man with this kind of stress is going to need to carry a gun, a badge, couple knives, and most definitely a cell phone. Your next questions is (I'm guessing) “Where does an active guy stow all of that gear?”

The answer, my friend, is in a bag of some sort. Jack's bag of choice is bigger and more militaristic than the kind of bag that the Average Joe might carry on a daily basis. In fact, a messenger in the fourth season of “24” was shown carrying a bag which appeared to be far less durable than the one that Jack carries when he's out on the field. In case you don't believe me, the proof can be seen during this character's last scene when a bullet passes straight through his bag and directly into his chest, resulting in instant death. Jack's bag, however, is so powerful that I'm willing to surmise that it would stop a bullet if given the chance.

Jack is always storing things or removing items from his bag throughout the show. When he needs to see something that's far away, he'll pull out a small telescope. If he needs a gun, he'll reach in and find a gun. Whenever he needs C4, he'll reach in and grab the C4.

Often Jack will shoot or maim a bad guy and then steal their gun. Where does one put a spare gun? In the bag of course!

Okay, I'll admit that there was a time when I wanted to have a bag that looked just like Jack Bauer's. I even thought about stopping at a Military Surplus store on M-20 sometime during one of my drives home from work. Its good that I didn't because of the one day when the new canvas bags arrived at Target.